There are some who will read the title of this post and know immediately what it is referring to, and then there are those who have probably never counted the number of almonds they are eating and for that I envy you.

22 almonds is the serving size for almonds. It equates to 162 calories, and counts as a serving of protein. I have spent far too much time analyzing nutrition labels, extensively researching caloric values of food, and obsessing over each and everything I eat in a day. Until recently any snack, even a harmless almond, would be first logged into MyFitnessPal, and then eaten...but only if its caloric impact didn't disrupt my premeditated caloric intake for that day. At dinners with my family, or friends, half the time I would be glued onto my phone, hastily logging each and every bite I took. I would obsess over the menu before the meal itself, and plan my entire day of eating according to what I would order at dinner. It was tiring, time-consuming and only made me feel guilty for enjoying the food later on. And yet, I couldn't stop. I couldn't not know what I would be consuming. I couldn't eat "normally" and just have a larger meal for dinner without restricting every meal before it. I lost out on cheesy jokes, precious moments and even awkward chatter because I was too consumed with anxiety and obsession about the food that was in front of me. I will forever remember 2019 as the year where going out to eat was an affair between me and MyFitnessPal, and not my friends and family who were seated at the table with me. It isn't the most pleasant memory to have, and I'm focused on making sure that MyFitnessPal doesn't have a seat at the dinner table in 2020.

I write this entry as I snack on some raisins. I am not bothered by this careless snacking anymore. While I still actively use MyFitnessPal, I've become much more lenient with my tracking and for me that is progress. There is a certain dependence I placed on that app. It has stayed with me since 2016. It watched me start exercising regularly. It saw me lose 35 kilograms. It watched me eat the same breakfast everyday for months. And it watched me go from weighing myself once a month, to once a week, to every morning. It has been through a lot with me, and while I appreciate its consistency, it is time for me to let it go. I relied the most on it when I was having a difficult time at school because at a time when everything seemed to be falling apart, it was the one aspect of my life I had absolute control over. That control reassured me, and that consistency of constantly tracking provided me with a false sense of stability. With that notion, I became even more dependent on it. While I have certainly loosened my reign over using the app, gone are the days where I track sticks of gum and calories in vitamins, it will take time for it to not have such a significant presence in my life.

As the new year approaches, I hope that I am able to be more present with my family and my friends at meals, not consumed with thoughts about serving sizes and calories, and most importantly, that I never have to worry about counting the number of almonds I snack on. 1 almond, 2 almonds, even 30 almonds are nothing to be afraid of. I know that now.