Letting Go

Letting Go

What am I most afraid of? Disappointment. And birds. However this piece isn’t focused on my deep-seated resentment towards the animal. Animal is polite, I meant to write, satan himself disguised as the beady-eyed, malevolent creatures that roam our skies and shit on every sidewalk. Disappointment, rather the thought of disappointing someone, manages to drop my stomach and invite that anxious, lingering pang in my chest more quickly than a pigeon approaching me would.

I never truly understood this fear of mine until I began working. I’m not sure if I’m alone when I say this but, it often feels that no one shares their bad days. You seldom hear someone reminiscing about their first job, and speaking of the challenges had, both personal and professional. I have yet to have someone speak to me about how they found it difficult to make new friends, adjust from academia to a professional working environment, and finding time to take care of one’s self in between work, family and social obligations. I wish I had someone telling me that it was alright to make a mistake, and that no one expects you to complete every task given perfectly and immediately. It would be incredibly comforting to know that it is alright to feel overwhelmed sometimes, and that it doesn’t make you less of a hard-working individual, it doesn’t detract from any of your qualities, and doesn’t reflect on your capabilities. Feeling overwhelmed, feeling stressed, feeling unhappy are all okay.

I had been comparing myself with everyone’s facade of sailing through work life without hassle, balancing an emotionally fulfilling social life, maintaining proper hygiene as well as a nutritious diet. Everyone just seems to have it together…and here I am, feeling quite alone, as I struggle to keep up with social responsibilities, even the simplest of texts feel like a effort to reply to somedays, wash my hair on time, eat something more nutritious than a peanut butter and jam sandwich and two cans of Diet Coke, and remember to put face cream before I sleep. I just wanted to write something that I wish I had read, just to know that I am not alone in feeling this way.

I realized that no one likes to highlight feeling upset. Therefore, it isn’t really talked about. A meek “fine” as a response to how one’s day is going is often accepted, and rarely questioned. But what puzzles me is why we are afraid of saying that we had a bad day? Why is our thinking such that having a bad day is reflective of us as an individual being incompetent, or incapable? Especially when we all know that we have all had bad days. But we should just stay quiet about it, nod and murmur “fine” and swallow whatever negative emotion in fear of having someone think less of our capabilities if we spoke the truth. In my experience, there was a lot more understanding and empathy when it came to a challenging school environment. The pressures surrounding academia are more openly acknowledged than those pressures associated with working life. Perhaps this is because academia is more or less uniform, the same old routine of standardized tests, and college admissions is common for everyone. However, working life is very unique to the industry, as well as the position you work in. No one but you, and your colleagues, can relate to the pressures you face at work. But, these aren’t the only pressures you face in your life. Social pressures always exist as well.

Personally after starting work, conquering social pressures has been incredibly challenging for me. I was thankful to have made some incredibly meaningful friendships in college, and was even more grateful to have these friends living either with me, or down the road from me throughout that time. These friendships took four years, countless late nights, a few tears and a college degree to be what they are today. The trust I have with my friends from college is unparalleled to any other friendship I have. Losing that part of your support system when you move to a different city (or continent for me) from your closest friends is more difficult than I could have imagined. A lot of people harp over their college days, and reminisce how “those days were the greatest”. For me, they were the best years, but only because I had an incredible group of friends, who helped me through each and every hurdle that came by my way, whether it be a notoriously difficult class, a heartbreak, or falling sick. That support system is what I am missing so greatly now.

The beauty of those friendships is that we had no expectation for one another, except to be supportive. There was no scope for disappointment. Which brings me back to my fear. Disappointment occurs when you fail to live up to something. In my case, it is the false expectations I believe someone has for me.

At work, it is the expectation that every task I am given is to be completed accurately and as soon as possible. If you are reading this and believe someone has this same expectation for you at work, they don’t. No one, not your boss, not your boss’ boss, not your boss’ boss’ boss completes their work accurately and efficiently 100% of the time. If we are perfect, and do not make mistakes, how will we learn to grow and become better? Mistakes allow us to broaden our skillset, change our strategies and innovate more effective solutions. You aren’t less capable because of a mistake you have made. In fact, you’re even more capable going forward. So I’m going to let go of that thought of feeling incompetent if something doesn’t go right. I’m going to let go of that nagging thought of feeling disorganized if someone has to remind me of a task.

There are a lot of unspoken societal and social expectations that I had not felt until now. I never used to feel strained when having to start a conversation, or continuing one. I didn’t dread having to reply to unopened messages. I find myself having social interactions that aren’t emotionally fulfilling, and I am not used to that feeling. I miss having that meaningful connection with someone. I miss feeling excited about replying to texts, and engaging in conversation. But, that’s okay. Those friendships I cherish so deeply were not formed overnight, and it is not fair for me to compare those with the new friends I have made here. That expectation of having a well balanced, fulfilling social life immediately upon starting work is incredibly unjustified and unrealistic. It took four years for me to form my best friendships friends. Four years. So, I’m going to let go of that thought of having to have that perfect group of friends who I meet up with after work for happy hour. I’m going to let go of that disappointment that ensues on the weekends where I wish I had someone to chat with, and stroll aimlessly around with. I’m going to let go of that expectation of having the same social life I had previously. It isn’t ever going to be the same, and it isn’t meant to be the same.

Disappointment is my biggest fear, but that stems from assuming someone’s expectation of me. Trust when I say, they are expecting a lot less than you expect from yourself. Give yourself a break, you are trying your best. You are working your best. How do I know that? If you are doubting this, and wondering if you could be doing more, or better, then that’s already more than someone expects from you. Type A personalities often have this terrible habit of questioning one’s self and believing there is always more to be done, and more to be done better. Yes, there is. But, it will get done tomorrow. It doesn’t have to be done now. Take a break. You need one, otherwise it won’t get done at all.

Let go of that expectation of yours, and take a step back. Everyone needs a moment. Sometimes more than just one. And that’s okay. Everyone takes a break too. Even if they don't show it.